Many families share a loved one's ashes, so that each person can keep a little of them close. It usually begins with a conversation about who would like a portion and what feels right. You can divide the ashes yourselves, gently and in your own time, or ask your funeral home to help. Most keepsakes need only a small amount, so there is often enough for everyone.
When someone we love dies, the people who loved them are rarely all in one place. Children live in different cities. A partner, siblings and close friends may each want to keep something of them near. Sharing the ashes is one of the ways families make room for everyone. Here is how families tend to approach it, at whatever pace feels right.
Start with a conversation
The practical part is simple. The conversation is the part that matters. A few questions help it along:
- Who would like a portion? Ask rather than assume. Some people want a keepsake; others would rather not.
- Where should most of the ashes rest? Many families keep the larger share together, for burial, a niche or a single scattering, and set aside small portions for individuals.
- What did the person want? If they said anything about their wishes, begin there.
- Does anyone need more time? There is no deadline. Ashes keep indefinitely in a sealed container, and it is fine to decide in stages.
Shares do not need to be equal. What matters is that each person ends up with something that feels right to them.
How much is there to share?
An adult's cremated remains usually weigh between four and six pounds, roughly three to four quarts by volume. A common rule of thumb is about one cubic inch of ashes for each pound of body weight.
Most keepsakes use very little of that. A piece of cremation jewelry holds a pinch. A small keepsake urn holds a few tablespoons to a cup. Some keepsakes, like a Cairn wind chime, need about a teaspoon. Even after several family members each keep a small portion, most of the ashes usually remain for burial or scattering.
Is it all right to share ashes?
Yes. Sharing ashes is common, and there is no law against it in the United States. The person responsible for the ashes, usually the next of kin, decides how they are kept and shared.
For some families, faith is part of the answer. The Catholic Church, for example, asks that ashes be kept together in a sacred place rather than divided or kept at home, and other traditions have their own guidance. If faith matters to your family, a conversation with your clergy can help.
Ways families share ashes
Most families combine a few of these. Amounts vary by maker, so check with each one before you divide.
| Option | Typical amount | Where it lives | Good for several people? |
|---|---|---|---|
| Keepsake urn | A few tablespoons to a cup | A shelf or mantel at home | Yes, one each |
| Cremation jewelry | A pinch | Worn every day | Yes |
| Glass or art pieces | About a teaspoon to a tablespoon | On display at home | Yes |
| Porcelain wind chime | About a teaspoon (two for a double) | Outdoors, a porch or a garden | Yes, one each |
| Solidified remains (stones) | Often the full remains; ask about a portion | Held, displayed or placed | Stones can be shared out |
| Tree or garden planting | Usually a larger share | A yard or memorial forest | One shared place |
| Scattering | Any amount | A meaningful place | Together, or each in their own place |
| Burial or columbarium niche | The main portion | A cemetery | One shared place to visit |
A simple pattern many families use: keep the main portion together in one shared place, and give each household a small keepsake to live with.
How to divide ashes, step by step
The simplest way: ask your funeral home or crematory. Many will divide remains into several containers for you, often for a small fee or none. This is worth asking about at the arrangement meeting, before the ashes come home.
If you would rather do it yourselves:
- Choose a calm, still place. Indoors, away from drafts and fans, on a table covered with a cloth or a sheet of paper.
- Gather your containers first. Small jars, keepsake urns or the containers your keepsake makers send. Have them open and ready before you open the main urn.
- Use a small spoon or scoop. Ashes are a little coarser than many people expect, more like sand than dust, so move slowly and gently.
- Seal and label each container. Write the person's name and the date. Labels matter more than you think, years from now.
- Take your time. Some families do this together, with music or a few words. Others prefer one person to do it quietly. Either is right.
Sending ashes to family far away
In the United States, the Postal Service is the only carrier that accepts cremated remains, and they must travel by Priority Mail Express. Seal the ashes in a sturdy inner container, cushion it inside the box, and mark the outside with USPS Label 139 ("Cremated Remains"). The Postal Service offers a free cremated remains shipping kit, and your local post office can help.
If someone is flying home with a portion, carry it on rather than checking it. Airport security needs to see through the container on X-ray, so plastic, wood or cardboard is easier than metal or stone. A copy of the cremation certificate is helpful to have with you.
One chime for each household
We make porcelain wind chimes with a small portion of a loved one's ashes fired into the porcelain. Each chime needs about a teaspoon (two for a double), so one set of ashes can become a chime for each sibling or household, with the rest kept together. We send a collection kit with a small spoon and a bag marked with a fill line, so there's nothing to measure, and we cover shipping both ways. Your funeral home can also handle it for you. See the chimes.
Questions families ask
Do the shares have to be equal?
No. Many families keep most of the ashes together and give each person a small portion. What matters is that the arrangement feels right to everyone.
Can we divide the ashes later?
Yes. Ashes keep indefinitely in a sealed container. Many families wait months or years before deciding.
What if we don't all agree?
It happens, and it's understandable. Usually the next of kin, or the person named in your loved one's wishes, has the final say. A funeral director, clergy member or grief counselor can help everyone talk it through.
Can a funeral home divide the ashes for us?
Most can, and many do it at little or no cost. Ask at the arrangement meeting, or call the crematory afterward.
Can pet ashes be divided too?
Yes. The same steps apply, and most keepsakes, ours included, accept pet ashes.
How much do we need for a keepsake?
It depends on the keepsake: a pinch for jewelry, about a teaspoon for many art pieces and for our chimes, more for a keepsake urn. Check with each maker before dividing.
